1. |
glacier
07:04
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oh what do I do with my love?
it’s true, I swear it is
I wouldn’t be telling you
if it weren’t
cuz that would hurt
you and I
both of us in different spaces and times
I love to see you standing there
I love to see you winding your way through me
like you know me
but I don’t know how much more I can take
love is a black lake
reflecting our mistakes
rippling our heartache
silence in its wake
and I feel lonely
thinking of you solely
thinking you’re the only
crying to the holy
we decided
we’re not the ones
well look at me now
but when we spoke it
it didn’t change a thing
we ended before we could start
you’re a glacier carving grooves in my heart
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2. |
needs
01:56
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what do I do with the part of me that needs
that doesn’t trust in the growing of a seed
that waters the vine with a desperate plea
and chokes the flower as a weed
what do I do with the part of me that bleeds
for something balanced, something free
but beckons her love with a billowing greed
as an ever hungry mouth to feed
what do I do with the part of me that leads
from transactional affections and false guarantees
that starves for space, but seeks after speed
why is it her that supersedes
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3. |
||||
every night
you turn out the light
lucid loneliness
eats my skin alive
you’re so close
I should be too
but nothing’s getting
through to you
a crushed orb
sits inside my chest
from this longing
unexpressed
I used to want
you to see
the way I would feel
on nights like these
but I’m out of hope
for being seen
how do you not
see me
car pulls up
to the cul de sac
and then it
fades to black
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4. |
ink
02:14
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you said
it felt like
ink was covering
your body
it’s my fault
you see
to me
it’s like
this emptiness
colors everything
no part of me
left undarkened
by
a hovering
smoldering
ink
and I dripped it
onto you
my ceaseless wanting,
silly me.
or was it yours?
a disease of neglect,
a way unseen,
a lie, or
intentional uncertainty?
nonetheless, seems
to have changed
my breathing.
who am i?
when i can’t
see through
our
ink?
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5. |
goldfinch
03:45
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maybe i’ve fallen on hard times
maybe i’m hoping you’re still mine
i know these forks cannot be defined
our love felt like the tender kind
goldfinch on a growing pine
i’m bonded to you beyond a rhyme
cuz you were the shelter and i the vine
souls can’t help but intertwine
could it be a glowing sign?
does love take cues from the divine?
not a fiery festering, but a sweet sublime
it was you i hoped i’d find
the virus ain’t over, it’s still in its prime
and i worry bout you and your restless mind
your immunosuppressant, your enzyme
i hope you’re well, i hope you’re fine
take me back to the night on the coastline
when you told me you loved me at the tourist dine
when the stars felt like they had aligned
when we had plans, when we had time
a year has passed, a year has fled
I thought i’d put the past to bed
now my nerves are fraying, my heart is lead
feelings i doused to get ahead
you were the man i would’ve wed
looking back on all the skin i shed
i’ll be your friend, the words we said
now behind us is a tattered thread
i crossed myself, i toiled and plead
it still left hell and swelling dread
what happens when your dreams are dead?
do they resurrect elsewhere instead?
I wonder what spring means in red
not painting the doors of your new toolshed
daffodils must be grown in your flowerbed
while the birds are singin overhead
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6. |
admirer
07:17
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sittin in my pajamas
had to call my mama
cuz I thought I ordered a decaf
and now I’m seein auras
ate some naan in the shower
and I panicked for ten hours
and I wondered about you
and about how I’m a downer
thought I was becoming
turns out maybe I’ve been running
from the ghosts of
your love and your love
when push comes to shove
I am alone
upon my throne
I am alone
and I want to be known
why is there nothing to say?
you wouldn’t get it anyway
why is there nothing to say?
you wouldn’t get it anyway
why did you go away?
oooh, oooh
wrote you a song about a goldfinch
now I feel like a bitch
glad you ignored my pitch
I didn’t mean to switch
which is which
I don’t have neither / nor
no one to care for
no one to adore
just memories from before
and my symbolic folklore
and these closed doors
I’m sinking through the floor
loves I can’t ignore
thought it was you I swore
it’s not you anymore
why did you go away?
I wouldn’t get it anyway
why did you go away?
I wouldn’t get it anyway
went to your bonfire
we admired your easter attire
lit by ruby and sapphire
while the cat conspired
with you I’m inspired
yet I still get that lonely ire
over the unrequited prior
and the beauty that transpired
tried to be a pacifier
my love turned into a pyre
being reignited in your fire
what’s the meaning of desire
when it doesn’t expire?
what does it require?
is it just a misfire?
to take us lower or higher?
although I’ve tried to rewire
I’m still your not so secret admirer
will love bloom or decay
we couldn’t know it anyway
will love bloom or decay
we couldn’t know it anyway
holy water on the ground
exiled and bound
drawn somehow
then and now
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7. |
hunger
02:42
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can someone become
so fed up with hunger
that they wind up at the beginning
crucified with wonder?
as their life flashes before them
as they become younger
can they escape
the self-made spell they’re under?
as they give back the riches
they’ve taken by plunder
can they forgive the lighting?
forgive the thunder?
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8. |
mirror
08:02
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darling, what have you done?
you wagered all your riches on the sun
seems like every time it ends before the start
couldn’t have been anything there to protect your tender heart
tender heart, tender heart, they see it from afar
they use it as a guiding evening star
while keeping theirs safe in tightly locked jar
as you freely give, all the love you are
darlin, you messed it up this time
and you know I said, oh keep yourself in line
but you tried to keep it, you fell right through
you’ve got you’re pain too, oh it’s nothing to do
it’s nothing, it’s nothing, it’s nothing, i don’t even know you
there was nothing there for me to attach to
it doesn’t matter what they put me through
I still come crawling back, ready to renew
darlin, why are you carried by fear?
while in my dreams I weave fingers through your hair
it really just takes crumbs to make you fall
what consolation is it, that at least you gave your all?
gave your all, gave your all, learned not to play small
and how to breathe your joy against their wall
it’s not your fault they give and then withdraw
and don’t know how to heed a caring call
darlin, you can’t cope the way they cope
all these times, you’ve been bold enough to hope
but hope leads you right through to the abyss
people piling pain onto each person they kiss
another’s kiss, another’s kiss, vapid vacant bliss
do you want love or to reminisce?
at some point you just have to witness this
instead of picking at scabs of all past loves amiss
darling, what have you done?
you thought another runner was the one
found another place where love can’t be born
you brought your rose, and fell over on the thorn
the thorn, the thorn, what could I blame you for?
I’m just as scared behind my open door
when I see you, I see through a mirror
just another heart hurting from before
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9. |
I am trying
01:40
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I am trying
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10. |
still
04:51
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baby wake up, brand new morning
you get coffee, I get tea
hope you had some trippy dreams
and got a pleasant night of sleep
what’s the day for, go to the store?
or be silent with the trees?
let’s close the door on our before
eulogize our analyses
I have fallen deep in love with you
against my will and sorrow
still I find you in the morning
rising o’er the silent hill
we could wind forever in this
endless spiral of history
and never quite fully entice
the encounter of you and me
I know it was wise to take our time
to see each other clearly
but until I stop acting shy
say it boldly, I won’t feel free
that I have fallen deep in love with you
against my will and sorrow
still I find you in the morning
rising o’er the silent hill
death has had its way with me
I’ve walked the desert of memory
and found a thousand ways of hiding
dimming down the flame in me
I thought my heart would be a burden
fill the atmosphere with misery
but when it busted open
illuminated all I see
poured its light in all my cracks
and all my aching injuries
and taught me how to love the flame
and hold it simply, finally
so I’ll drop my weapons, let love hold me
give my body to the mystery
and feel the waves of mercy
how the flame can set me free
if I let it be
if I let it be
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11. |
love is a dying
04:24
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soften your weight onto me
I know you’re stone, but I can see
that you crave beauty
just like me,
just like anybody
soften your weight onto me
I know it hurts,
the certainty
I know it hurts,
the certainty
but if you kiss me like you mean it
meet me on the mountain
maybe we can see it
maybe we can be it
cuz it feels like the last day
we’ll get to see it
will you come and see it?
soften your weight onto me
how shall we paint reality
find me, raged and free
in the graveyard of my fantasy
even if we could agree
we’ll unleash a pain
so mad and arcane
so hopelessly stained
you’ll be my lover and bane
there will be no one to blame
for the house set aflame
cuz we no longer believe
in hope so naïve
what was joy now we grieve
no meaning left to unweave
we’ll say I love you as we leave
mumbled between dry heaves
cuz love is a dying
love is a dying
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Bailey Miller Cincinnati, Ohio
swelling strings, synthesized stirrings, subterranean spirals, and screeching stillness
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